The Questionnaire
How Much is Your Marriage a Shared Life?
This questionnaire is designed to stimulate your thinking and help you get a quick picture of this one dimension of your marriage. Do this questionnaire first. Then, after reading the accompanying article, Should Your Marriage Be A Shared Life?, you will be able to use the questionnaire results to make targeted decisions about how to make your marriage better along this one dimension, if you wish. When answering the questions below, think of how things generally, or mostly are in your marriage. Please answer the questions as honestly as you can, the results are only for you, and check or circle the appropriate answer below.
1. What percentage of your free time this past weekend (round it out to the closest 10%) did you spend doing something....
Alone by yourself........................................................................____%
With your spouse, just the two of you......................................____%
With your spouse and children.................................................____%
With your spouse and other people..........................................____%
With other people but not with your spouse or children.......____%
2. What percentage of your free time this past month (round it out to the closest 10%) did you spend doing something....
Alone by yourself........................................................................____%
With your spouse, just the two of you......................................____%
With your spouse and children.................................................____%
With your spouse and other people..........................................____%
With other people but not with your spouse or children.......____%
3. Are there any family traditions that you and your spouse started together?
1 ___ None
2 ___ One
3 ___ A few
4 ___ Many
4. When a vacation, just for the two of you, gets planned, how is the planning mostly done?
1 ___ I take care of it myself
1 ___ I tell my spouse to take care of it
1 ___ My spouse takes care of it and doesn't inform me.
2 ___ I take care of it myself, but inform my spouse of the important things
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then I implement our decision
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then he/she implements our decision
5. If you have a disagreement with your spouse about a child rearing practice, do you mostly...
1 ___ Take care of it yourself
1 ___ Tell your spouse to take care of it
1 ___ My spouse takes care of it and doesn't inform me
2 ___ Take care of it yourself, but I inform your spouse of the important things
4 ___ Discuss with your spouse what to do and then I implement our decision
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then he/she implements our decision
6. If your child's teacher calls to say your child is having trouble in school, do you mostly....
1 ___ Take care of it yourself
1 ___ Tell your spouse to take care of it
1 ___ My spouse takes care of it and doesn't inform me
2 ___ Take care of it yourself, but inform your spouse of the important things
4 ___ Discuss with your spouse what to do and then I implement our decision
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then he/she implements our decision
7. If your child confides something he/she is upset or frightened about, do you mostly....
1 ___ Take care of it yourself
1 ___ Tell your spouse to take care of it
1 ___ My spouse takes care of it and doesn't inform me
2 ___ Take care of it yourself, but inform your spouse of the important things
4 ___ Discuss with your spouse what to do and then I implement our decision
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then he/she implements our decision
8. When it is time to decide on a party for your child, do you mostly....
1 ___ Take care of it yourself
1 ___ Tell your spouse to take care of it
1 ___ My spouse takes care of it and doesn't inform me
2 ___ Take care of it yourself, but inform your spouse of the important things
4 ___ Discuss with your spouse what to do and then I implement our decision
4 ___ My spouse and I discuss what to do and then he/she implements our decision
(Do Not add in the Score of This Question)
9. Thinking about your marriage, all things considered, are you....
8 ___ Entirely satisfied
7 ___ Very much satisfied
6 ___ Satisfied
5 ___ Somewhat satisfied
4 ___ Somewhat dissatisfied
3 ___ Dissatisfied
2 ___ Very much dissatisfied
1 ___ Or, entirely dissatisfied
Scoring: Add up the numbers you checked next to each question. For the first two questions, take the first number of the percentage you put next to "With your spouse, just the two of you". Do not add in question #9.
Scores are imprecise, and should be used only to stimulate your thinking about your marriage so that you can identify areas you might want to seek to improve. Read the accompanying Should Your Marriage Be A Shared Life, Or Do The "I"s Have It? newsletter to further expand your thoughts about the "WE-ness" of your relationship. To give you a point of reference with the scoring, you might use the following rule of thumb. If your score is 25 or above, your marriage is likely to be a highly collaborative relationship. If your score is 15 or above, your marriage is likely to be a moderately collaborative relationship. If your score is below 15, your marriage is likely to be a somewhat separate relationship.
All relationships are 'one of a kind' and should reflect the unique preferences of the partners in that relationship. My recommendation for increasing the 'We-ness' of a relationship will not necessarily be to the taste of everybody. It is important that you and your spouse freely discuss how much 'We-ness' you want in your relationship, and make the decisions for your relationship in accordance with your preferences.